Once the sun goes down, Toronto becomes an animal kingdom where sin and excess reigns supreme. This wild safari we call nightlife can be difficult to maneuver through but, with our help, you can learn how to deal with these wanton creatures. Remember, only the fittest will survive!
“How you doin’?”
Lust, The Lothario
Where He Is Found: Anywhere women are found
Drink of Choice: Martini
With his shirt unbuttoned to his navel and sunglasses pushed down, the Lothario approaches women indiscriminately. He tosses out lines like “If you were a library book, I’d check you out” and “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?” in hopes of bedding a girl who is most definitely out of his league. A drink to the face will get rid of this lusty-eyed Romeo.
“I’m a-a diva!”
Pride, The Dancefloor Diva
Where She Is Found: Nightclubs
Drink of Choice: Tequila
Decked out in the dressiest designer duds, the Dancefloor Diva is most at home hogging the limelight from her fellow clubbers by busting out moves as if she thinks she’s Beyonce. Whipping her hair around and shaking her ample (or, sometimes, not-so-ample) derriere, this wanna-be is fairly harmless and can be left to her own devices. Just don’t get in her way.
“So here’s the pitch…”
Greed, The Yuppie
Where He Is Found: Lounges
Drink of Choice: Scotch
With his fancy education and a subscription to GQ, the Yuppie is eager to discuss politics and his Mad Men obsession between swigs of scotch. He may be impeccably dressed but his vanity is surpassed only by his thirst for success. It’s best to leave him be and let his wallet keep him company for the night.
“Put ’em up, put ’em up!!”
Wrath, The Barroom Brawler
Where He Is Found: Pubs, the occasional nightclub
Drink of Choice: Beer
Easily rattled, the Brawler has a short fuse and will start a fight over just about anything. His beer-fuelled rage is unstoppable and lazy punches, slurred insults and pool cues are all part of his arsenal. If you’re prone to winning at pool or if you’ve got a roaming eye that might land on someone’s girlfriend, it’s critical to watch out for this manimal.
“That is so fetch!”
Envy, The Frenemy
Where She Is Found: Nightclubs
Drink of Choice: Cosmopolitan
Even though she paints on a nice smile, the Frenemy is a deceitful individual who covets her best friend’s boyfriend and spreads nasty rumours due to her unrelenting envy. When drunk, the Frenemy is twice as likely to act on her insidious impulses. If you suspect of having one of these in your group, it’s best to dispose of her immediately.
“Whatever.”
Sloth, The Wallflower
Where He Is Found: Bars, nightclubs
Drink of Choice: Ginger Ale
It’s a bachelor party or a birthday bash and the Wallflower has been dragged out of his natural habitat to watch his friends make fools of themselves. Sometimes sober, sometimes not, the Wallflower awkwardly stands in the corner and waits for the evening to be over. The Wallflower should be treated with sympathy. After all, not everyone is an extrovert.
“What kind of a name is ‘Stove’ anyway? Are you an appliance?”
Gluttony, The Drunk
Where He Is Found: Any watering hole
Drink of Choice: Anything and everything
Moderation is not a trait the Drunk has. Excess is the Drunk’s best friend and he will drown himself in alcohol as a way of escaping the minutia of his everyday life. Unlike the other entries on this list, the Drunk spends the majority of his time at the bottom of a bottle. That said, he’s a tricky one to deal with due to his penchant for adopting the traits of the other Sins. Observe and react accordingly.
Art by: Taylor CordingleyOnce the sun goes down, Toronto becomes an animal kingdom where sin and excess reigns supreme. This wild safari we call nightlife can be difficult to maneuver through but, with our help, you can learn how to deal with these wanton creatures. Remember, only the fittest will survive!
